Psychosis

So I just got choked out for the first time at my Jiu Jitsu class. It was incredibly strange. My first thought was that I had some sort of psychotic break. I sensed a time lapse and I was doing this weird quivering thing with my lip (incidentally, I was saying, “tap, tap, tap, tap…” in my mind so I must have been trying to say that). And I started to come back to reality.

I’ve done a lot of drugs. Specifically psychedelics. A common fear is that one day you will take too much and bye-bye reality. My brother experienced this by using meth. He became schizophrenic – hearing voices, talking to people who weren’t there, etc. He was one of the many reasons I decided to give that stuff up.

I haven’t smoked pot in a year, and it’s been even longer since I’ve used LSD or psilocybin, and I’ve been proud of myself. But today I actually thought that I “had done it,” had actually lost my mind.

And it scared me.

The choke out part was actually euphoric so I came back in an elevated mood, but in the back of my mind I was just like, “That was close.” And it made me even more glad that I’ve given that shit up.

Reality is precious to me these day, and it wasn’t always so. For a long time I didn’t care if I lived or died, and in fact sought death. I never actually tried to kill myself, but I wanted to.

But now I don’t feel that way (well, most of the time) and I want to make the best use of my time allotted here. Tonight was a good reminder to cherish the things I love. My sanity included.

Spontaneity

So today was a fairly interesting day. Most of my days are pretty rigid. I go to work or go to the gym, otherwise I am at home. Today after gym instead of rushing off like I usually do I decided to stop and chat for a few minutes. This conversation led to an opportunity to get my car washed by my coach’s daughter’s softball team. I don’t care to have my car washed but thought I’d go along with it just the same if only because it was something I wouldn’t normally do. I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone and accept invitations whenever possible.

When I arrived I ran into my coach’s husband and got to talking about Tool and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. We talked for about twenty minutes and watched a few videos on youtube. This led to inquiring about local places that teach this stuff. Incidentally he was about to attend a class within the hour. I asked to tag along and off we went.

At the class I didn’t really know what I was doing but I felt accepted and in good hands. It helped that I knew three of the people there from the gym. I got my ass thrown by the experts and tried to learn some of the technique, but mostly I was just trying to have fun. I didn’t really pick up on anything other than I do not know what to do in an actual combat situation. Some of my instincts were spot on, but often I found myself in compromising positions without even knowing that I had done so.

After the class we got to roll around just on our own. This is where it became really fun. I had previously tried to apply the techniques I had briefly witnessed to poor success but now I was able to just freely make shit up and try not to get stuck in a position. I’m sure they were going easy on me, but surprisingly I found myself able to hold my own better than I would have thought. I have no doubt that in a few months time I will get better and the fun will only increase as I learn to master these techniques.

Luckily this class seems to fit perfectly into my work/gym schedule so that I will be doing something every day of the week. This is awesome because it gets me out of the house more often, meeting new people, and gaining more experience.

And all because I decided to stay and chat instead of returning to my cave.

Life is pretty cool sometimes.