Psychosis

So I just got choked out for the first time at my Jiu Jitsu class. It was incredibly strange. My first thought was that I had some sort of psychotic break. I sensed a time lapse and I was doing this weird quivering thing with my lip (incidentally, I was saying, “tap, tap, tap, tap…” in my mind so I must have been trying to say that). And I started to come back to reality.

I’ve done a lot of drugs. Specifically psychedelics. A common fear is that one day you will take too much and bye-bye reality. My brother experienced this by using meth. He became schizophrenic – hearing voices, talking to people who weren’t there, etc. He was one of the many reasons I decided to give that stuff up.

I haven’t smoked pot in a year, and it’s been even longer since I’ve used LSD or psilocybin, and I’ve been proud of myself. But today I actually thought that I “had done it,” had actually lost my mind.

And it scared me.

The choke out part was actually euphoric so I came back in an elevated mood, but in the back of my mind I was just like, “That was close.” And it made me even more glad that I’ve given that shit up.

Reality is precious to me these day, and it wasn’t always so. For a long time I didn’t care if I lived or died, and in fact sought death. I never actually tried to kill myself, but I wanted to.

But now I don’t feel that way (well, most of the time) and I want to make the best use of my time allotted here. Tonight was a good reminder to cherish the things I love. My sanity included.

Spontaneity

So today was a fairly interesting day. Most of my days are pretty rigid. I go to work or go to the gym, otherwise I am at home. Today after gym instead of rushing off like I usually do I decided to stop and chat for a few minutes. This conversation led to an opportunity to get my car washed by my coach’s daughter’s softball team. I don’t care to have my car washed but thought I’d go along with it just the same if only because it was something I wouldn’t normally do. I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone and accept invitations whenever possible.

When I arrived I ran into my coach’s husband and got to talking about Tool and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. We talked for about twenty minutes and watched a few videos on youtube. This led to inquiring about local places that teach this stuff. Incidentally he was about to attend a class within the hour. I asked to tag along and off we went.

At the class I didn’t really know what I was doing but I felt accepted and in good hands. It helped that I knew three of the people there from the gym. I got my ass thrown by the experts and tried to learn some of the technique, but mostly I was just trying to have fun. I didn’t really pick up on anything other than I do not know what to do in an actual combat situation. Some of my instincts were spot on, but often I found myself in compromising positions without even knowing that I had done so.

After the class we got to roll around just on our own. This is where it became really fun. I had previously tried to apply the techniques I had briefly witnessed to poor success but now I was able to just freely make shit up and try not to get stuck in a position. I’m sure they were going easy on me, but surprisingly I found myself able to hold my own better than I would have thought. I have no doubt that in a few months time I will get better and the fun will only increase as I learn to master these techniques.

Luckily this class seems to fit perfectly into my work/gym schedule so that I will be doing something every day of the week. This is awesome because it gets me out of the house more often, meeting new people, and gaining more experience.

And all because I decided to stay and chat instead of returning to my cave.

Life is pretty cool sometimes.

The Dark Tower

So I just finished reading The Dark Tower series by Stephen King tonight. I’ve spent the last year reading them (with other books interspersed) so it’s been quite a long journey. I spoiled the ending before reading the first book so I’ve been anticipating a certain sequence for the last year now. You’d think knowing how a book ends before starting it would diminish the enjoyment, yet it seemed to have the opposite effect. I knew what happened, but now I was going to see how.

Anyway, now it’s over and I’m not quite sure what to do. Reading has been pretty much my only goal as late. Sometimes I focus on music, sometimes on games, but lately I’ve only cared for reading. Or at least reading at work. When I’m at home there’s many things I’d rather do than read, but since I get so much free time at work reading seems to be the best way to utilize that time. I literally get paid to read, and that feels fucking fantastic. If I just spent all my time on my phone I’d feel like I’m stuck in a dead-end job, but if I use that time to read it feels like a dream job. Well, almost. A dream entry job, let’s say.

My dream job of course is to be self employed. Maybe I’ll finish a book one day and that will pay the bills. Or record an album or two. Who knows. But something like that would be ideal. For now though I get to educate and entertain myself however I wish and I get rewarded for it. Seems good to me.

CBD

So I just started using daily supplements of CBD. I’ve long heard of the medicinal benefits for epilepsy, chemo treatment, etc. but I didn’t realize how impactful it could be to combat generalized anxiety.

I’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life, as far back as grade school. Honestly, probably since kindergarten. I just never felt comfortable out in public. Over the years it got easier, and then with repeated drug use it got harder. It’s at the worst point it’s ever been and I’m nearly 33 years old. That’s too much, man.

Anyway, I quit smoking pot 6 months ago because I wanted to experiment and see if that was the cause of my anxiety. Turns out it wasn’t. In fact my anxiety started getting a lot worse. But I persevered and kept at it. I started going to therapy, tried to eat more consistently, sleep more, etc. Those all made tiny improvements, but nothing more than 5% or 10%. It’s still pretty much as it’s always been.

In the last couple of weeks I’d keep thinking, “I should go down to the pot shop and get some CBD strains.” I didn’t know if it would help but I figured it was worth a shot. But I kept putting it off because I didn’t want to resort to smoking pot again, even if it had little to no amounts of THC. But then when I was at a Chevron a few days ago, I saw some CBD gummies for sale and thought, “Fuck it.” I bought a pack and then went my way.

About an hour after trying my first one my anxiety all but disappeared. It was strange, I could feel what I assume normal anxiety feels like for the first time. I mean, I could still feel anxious but it wasn’t overwhelming like it’s been. Whereas prior it was like putting a mic next to a speaker and getting stuck in that feedback loop, now I can simply move the mic back a few feet and go my way.

So yeah, after that I went to a shop and got a tincture and vape pen. I take a daily dose of the tincture in the morning and vape throughout the day as needed. A part of me wonders if I can still claim to be sober while doing this and the other part of me says to fuck off. I suppose what should matter is the results, and as I look around my house and see that it’s the most in order than it’s been in a year, I should shut the fuck up and be grateful.