Cold Feet

I met this gorgeous woman the other day while ordering coffee and it occurred to me that I should probably ask her out.  I could tell she was into me and there seemed to be little to lose as it wasn’t a place I usually frequent, so worst that happens is I embarrass myself and stop going there.

Well I took the chicken-shit path and left without doing anything and now I can’t get her out of my head.  I see attractive people all the time and quickly forget them, so my inability to forget her is troubling.

I got off work early and went back to the shop but she was already gone.  I went again two days later to no avail. And a third time today. Eventually I’m going to run into her again and figure out if this is all one-sided. Either way, it’ll be good to clear my conscience.

Snakes

I was pretty tired after today’s workout and immediately fell asleep. I dreamt about snakes. Lots of snakes.  Probably in the hundreds. They were all baby snakes and I was at work, supposed to be doing my job. But I tried avoiding them and looked for an area without them.  I never found one.  I eventually scared myself awake and thought about what it could mean.

I remember clearly in the dream that it was mating season.  And after thinking about the dream it dawned on me what it was about.  I’m also running from mating season in my waking life.

I’m in the prime of my life, at my most attractive, and I have made zero effort to capitalize upon this.  I haven’t made the best choices in love (mostly lust) and I fear I have little objectivity in that regard.  Thus I’ve stayed as far away as possible.  And even further in some cases.

My last serious relationship spiraled into my deepest, darkest depression and nearly killed me.  I’ve got scars aplenty and haven’t tried to balm them.

But these wounds aren’t getting any better on their own and something’s gotta give.

Fears

I’m going to be moving back to SoCal in a few months and the thought terrifies me.  Well, more so the implications than the thought but whatever.

I’ve got a good situation here.  I like my job, I like my friends, I love my gym.  I’ve got enough free time to pursue my own forms of pleasure and comfort, and I’ve got enough money to be able to save a little every month.

But these things don’t make me happy.  My fear is that I will bring that unhappiness with me and nothing will change except my circumstances.

But I’ve studied lots of different lives, the ones that have impressed me the most, and they all took a chance in some form or fashion.  If you never make the leap you’ll never know the landing.

Tucker Max once wrote, “The only way to know you’re walking the right path is to walk that path” and it’s been my guiding ethos.  It’s the calmness in my ocean of negativity.