Last night I played my final softball game ending the season on a high note. When we started practicing I was fearful that my abilities would not improve enough in time for the games. Gratefully they did and I was able to enjoy the games without worrying too much about my inexperience.
It also helps to be put in right field. That was a blessing.
Made contact with the ball most times I was at plate. Brought in a few RBI’s. I’m happy with my performance all things considered.
Mostly though it was just fun hanging out with friends. I didn’t sign up so I could play baseball. I signed up to get out of the house and out of my comfort zone, and in that regard it was a great success.
Burning Man is one month away and the excitement is beginning to take hold. I just purchased my tent, sleeping bag, etc. and the reality is setting in.
I believe I am going in with the right mindset but who knows what will happen when I get there. It has dawned on me that I’m treating this like a psychadelic trip (which it may very well lead into).
When you’re about to embark on a visionary journey the mindset you bring with you is as important or perhaps more so than the specific chemical. Set and Setting if you know the lingo.
Usually when the trip is over you come away with a greater understanding of self or perhaps more confidence. But sometimes you are left thinking about things you’d rather ignore yet ultimately need to be resolved.
My biggest fear since early childhood has been public singing. I’ve been so terrified of it that I wouldn’t even allow myself to sing in my room even if I knew no one else could possibly hear me. I wouldn’t sing in the car. I just never did it, and if I did it was a mumbled mess.
I feel things deeply. Way more than I let on. And if you’re gonna be a good singer you need to show everyone what’s inside.
I remember being 13 or 14 and thinking to myself, “I wonder if what I’m supposed to be is a singer and that’s why it scares me so much?” I noticed the irony of it and thought it worth noting. Now I’m twice that age and counting and I’m beginning to see that I was not too far off.
I didn’t know that music would carry me this far. I’m not a popular musician by any aspect but I’ve had success with it, however limited. I never tried to be anything when I played music. When you are socializing you have to play the part. The part people expect. The part they accept.
In music you’re totally free to express yourself exactly as you feel. When I played I got into, like really into it. Sure it scared me to do it publicly, but as I’ve grown and embarrassed myself endlessly it’s becoming no matter at all.
But now it’s time to figure out this singing mess. I’ve been singing in the car for the last 2 years or so. Pretty much for as long as I’ve been doing crossfit. I’m not sure why I started but I probably just stopped giving a fuck.
My singing is getting better but it still sucks. But I am reminded of Kurt Cobain. His voice works because it’s his own shit. He’s expressing himself in his own unique way. And it fucking works. So I’ve got to find my voice.
I’ve got a few songs written on guitar, but they’re all instrumental. I’ve got to figure out how to write these lyrics. To be honest, I haven’t given it more than a moment’s thought. But Chester’s death today made me realize it’s probably fucking time.
So Chester from Linkin Park just killed himself today. Apparently it was Chris Cornell’s birthday, which was a good friend of his. He killed himself two months ago.
A fear that I’ve long held in the back of my mind is this: what’s the fucking point of struggling to “be somebody” or “get there” only to find out nothing has changed and you’re still carrying your misery with you everywhere you go. These guys “made it” by most people’s definitions of success and yet it wasn’t enough.
And yet, these guys helped countless young lives battle through their own depression. Just seems so unfair to me that their words of pain can help soothe others yet do nothing to mend their own souls.