Day Four

So I’ve made it past my third night. Jesus. You have no idea how difficult this has been. I almost broke down crying all throughout the night. I was pissed off and depressed and therefore wasn’t smiling. No one really came up to talk to me. So I wandered all the way to the perimeter and admired the art structures. It’s been three nights and I’ve yet to see them all.

I’ve got so many fears and anxieties coursing through me it’s insane. Not the least of which is smell. There are no showers here and I’m staying in a tent in 100 degree weather with no shade. Not pretty. Pretty sure my neighbors despise me for it (okay, despise might be going too far). Either way, they aren’t pleased. Yet they sit in an air-conditioned RV. So fucking move away right?

My hair is gross. My wet wipes smell worse. Should have got generic baby wipes. These bio wipes suck donkey balls.

I had two of the most intense dreams (nightmares) last night. Pretty sure they are reoccurring too but it was so crystal clear vivid. It felt realer than how I feel right now writing this.

I will not go into detail.

I’m basically starving myself here. I’ve probably lost a good 7 – 10 pounds. Maybe more. My arms are noticeably weaker. My abs are ultra defined. At least I will enjoy putting the pounds back on at the gym.

I’m grumpy as fuck. My first day I walked around with a smile on my face. Today is misery plastered. I have to keep reminding myself that I only have to make it through this day. And even less than that. Just make it to sundown. If you can do that you’ll be alright. Go to sleep instead of playing outside. Rest while it is cooler.

I purposely ended my night while it was still dark to try to catch up on sleep. It’s difficult to recall now but I may have got 3 hours of sleep the first night, less the second, and maybe 6 the third. I am borderline hallucinating. If I close my eyes I can sometimes see thoughts/images and not realize my eyes are closed. A couple of times I caught myself about to speak aloud. Funny stuff.

I’ve been told that I make strange noises in my sleep.

News update!: So I’ve been fearing that my tent smells. I thought (although I may have imagined it) I overheard my neighbors complaining about my tent smelling. I kept thinking it was coming from another RV but wasn’t sure. Well a guy just came up and informed me it was indeed a propane leak. So it’s not really my fault. Sucks to take the blame though.

Back to noisy sleeping, I hope I didn’t scream in my sleep. I had some very frightening dreams that bolted me awake. If I’m making a fuss it would be highly embarrassing.

I’m tired and exhausted, fatigued and famished, moody and… you get the point.  Every hour is a struggle. It really opens your eyes to the struggle of life. We have so many amenities that we take for granted. We quite literally live in a paradise, yet we have somehow imagined it to be hell. It’s funny (at least I think so), when my neighbor mentioned that the guy’s RV could blow up I was excited. Excited the blast would be big enough to take me too.

This place man.

So the only thing I want to do today is more Acro Yoga. What fun that was! If I don’t see Emily that’s fine, but it would surely be nice.

I’m noticeably tanner now. One of my fellow crossfitters mentioned I needed a better tan right before I left. Will be curious to see her reaction upon returning.

I’m going to have to make some changes when I get back home. I don’t know what kind of changes, but there should be many.

This place has a way of challenging you to the core. I’ve never done anything so challenging. And I’ve gotten many rewards already: friendship, ideas, beliefs. But I also hope to learn more about myself and my place here as I reflect back on this journey.

Ironically the most appetizing food I’ve brought with me is Sun Chips. It’s salty, crispy, and yummy. And I’m a poor linguist. But whatever. I’m eating a bagel now and it’s difficult to keep down. Too heavy. Sun chips are light and airy.

I ordered some pizza from Dominoes the night before I left and brought it in a cooler. I only ate 3 pieces before I couldn’t touch them any more. They have been getting a smell since. I got it in another bag to hopefully counter the smell.

I had an interesting idea last night. I brought a few demo CD’s of my PSYBER.cide songs. Was going to bring it up in conversation and then pass them out individually but now I think I might scatter them around for people to find while exploring. Alternatively, I could pull out my acoustic guitar and if people like what I play give them out. We’ll see.

Well the bagel didn’t do shit. Maybe made me feel worse. Gonna munch on some chips now.

I just put on my headphones and am listening to Steven Wilson’s To The Bone. It instantly made me want to cry.

I was hoping that when I came here I would have some idea as to my future, at least artistically. Jam with Bobby again, with Greg and Danny, something new? But I’m left clueless.

If I’m honest with myself, the PSYBER.cide stuff is my favorite. But that’s because it most closely resembles what I hear in my head. When I played bass for Greg I had to compromise on the sound. It was good but I imagined it better in my head. Maybe I’m to work solo? I don’t know.

I came across a piano on the edges of the city and was going to play the song I wrote but as it was severely detuned I couldn’t find the starting chords. Silly, I started playing when I was 13. That shouldn’t have been an issue.

The Zendo dome was amazing last night. I simply laid on my back and watched the patterns evolve. I stayed there for 30 minutes or so. Even without drugs or booze it was intense.

Speaking of booze, last night was the first night I went out sober. I had a few sips of vodka before bed, but while I was out and about I didn’t touch a drop. Being buzzed helps tremendously out here as it allows you to forget your worries and simply be in the moment.

I’m not sure what time it is but the sun is beginning its trek across the sky. My shade where I am writing is diminishing and I will soon have to leave and explore. I will make my way to center camp and try to find the acro’s.

Still, an overwhelming sadness hangs over me and I want to break down. If I were home now I would allow it to take over and feel the release. Yet I cannot allow myself that freedom in the presence of others.

I find it odd, yet it is what it is.

Steven Wilson’s Pariah is playing and it’s challenging to remain calm and passive. But so far so good.

I met a cool fire dancer the second night by the name of Andrew. He was super cool. He told me to stop by his camp but I’ve yet to. I saw him again last night but failed to approach him as I was feeling very down. But I’d like to encounter him again. He’s from SoCal and plays both guitar and bass and likes progressive metal. Exactly the same as my story. And what a loving soul. He’s a special one.

Both he and Emily are my two favorite people here, yet I’ve only had one encounter with each. But those encounters left me in awe. People can be so cruel, and when you find someone pure it makes you stop and stand in awe. Keep on rocking guys! You make the world.

I’m fortunate that April gave me a journal two Christmases ago. I’ve written in 4 or 5 of them now and if not for that event I likely would not be writing here now. And how would I manage then? Probably not at all.

The smell of propane is strong now. I wonder if my neighbor will realize his error in judgement before this trip is up.

I find it funny how we can judge things so quickly and feel totally secure in that judgement, but we can be so wrong.

I still wonder if I even heard them correctly. Would be ironic, no? Me judging them judging me and we’re not even close to the truth. Folly.

More and more people are waking up now. Probably 8 or 9 am then? I refuse to check my phone to verify.

Refuge is now playing. Such a powerful song. It makes me want to head bang and dance, but I don’t like other to witness me doing that. I went to a rave the other night and couldn’t really dance to the music. I thought it was because I was shy (and surely I am) but if they were playing this song I definitely would have let go. So it seems that you need to find what moves you. Sure you can bob around to everything, but clearly a few genres will make you go crazy. For me it’s rock concerts. I danced the fuck out of the last one. The acid helped a bit there. lol God I must have made a fool of myself that night but fuck it. I know I made people smile and laugh, and likely fed more energy to the crowd and band. All from 1/8th of a tab. Fucking insane compound. Such power from minuscule doses.

It was difficult to drink water when I first awoke. Been guzzling that shit recently. Stomach is slight better but still nauseated. I considered bringing a second journal to write in but thought surely I would not come close to filling this one up yet I can’t stop writing today. Oh well.

I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon. It seems the later people come to the playa the more “spoiled” or “touristy” they are. Spectators as Burners call them. This could be a rash judgement, but more and more clean people are around and they seem very particular. One mentioned “in the old days” we cut the cables to generators that were left on all night. Seemed overly rash to me. Well that particular guy came with his family two days late and is leaving two days early. See my point?

Whatever.

I’m tired of applying sunscreen, but fear the result of that stupid idea. Best just get over it.

Alright, I’m gonna put this down for a bit and explore. Piss for sure. Later.

So today has been awesome. Met some new people and learned one of them lived in Coos Bay. We talked about a variety of subjects from drugs to music and he even gave me a drop of acid. That was the turning point for the day for me. Went out as it was kicking in and found a live musician who was amazing. Got a CD from him too. King Benjamin.

The sun has set and I plan to destroy the night. I’ll probably write a bunch tomorrow.

Right now I’m trying to figure out what to do with my rancid pizza. It’s in a ziploc, in a trash bag, in a cooler but damn is it gross. Better there than in the trunk of the car, right? I mean, it’s not exactly like I can throw it in a trash can.

Only a few more days.

Today is the first day I feel at home. The acid certainly helps but I’ve also become acquainted. Acquainted with the playa, the people, the art, the wind, the heat.

Well, not so much the last one, but you can’t win ’em all. If that’s what it takes to be here so be it.

I found out my bio wipes were very pungent. I’ve resorted to using paper towels and water. I assume I won’t run out of water but we’ll see. Perhaps I can find someone who has extra when/if that occurs.

I finally admitted to someone that I brought along my CD’s to share and he agreed that to just hand them out is no bueno. He said leaving them scattered however is cool. So perhaps I’ll do that tonight.

But that also means carrying my backpack which is a pain. Might be worth it though.

The sky is a beautiful pinkish color. You should see it here.

Trying to kill some more time. Want to go out dressed in lights. Maybe I’ll actually wear them “properly” rather than just strewn about. But fuck it. Butt fuck it. Yeah, yeah.

There was a puzzle art piece out in deep playa. There is an 8 digit passcode to access its inner sanctuary yet no one has figured it out yet. Wonder if I can assist? I already have a few ideas based on my initial research last night.

I’m feeling a good buzz right now and don’t want to add alcohol into the mix. Maybe later I will.

One (!) cool thing about Burning Man is all the awesome pro gay, pro trans, pro whatever. It’s freeing and lovely. Nothing at all like Coos Bay. But maybe I’m supposed to be an ambassador there. Is that not what the Burn is all about? We all come here from around the world and then go back to our homes. But we bring the Burn with us. Quite literally in the case of the playa dust. But whatever.

Maybe its true value is in how each individual changes; they bring that catalyst to change with them and people who are receptive to the message can change too.

I’m listening to shroom.jam right now and it’s sounding great. I didn’t like it last time I listened to it on acid. But seems like that was an exception. Cool shit.

Alright, so I will bring my backpack then. I should bring this journal too just in case. Bring a flashlight – you forgot it last night.

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