Psychosis

So I just got choked out for the first time at my Jiu Jitsu class. It was incredibly strange. My first thought was that I had some sort of psychotic break. I sensed a time lapse and I was doing this weird quivering thing with my lip (incidentally, I was saying, “tap, tap, tap, tap…” in my mind so I must have been trying to say that). And I started to come back to reality.

I’ve done a lot of drugs. Specifically psychedelics. A common fear is that one day you will take too much and bye-bye reality. My brother experienced this by using meth. He became schizophrenic – hearing voices, talking to people who weren’t there, etc. He was one of the many reasons I decided to give that stuff up.

I haven’t smoked pot in a year, and it’s been even longer since I’ve used LSD or psilocybin, and I’ve been proud of myself. But today I actually thought that I “had done it,” had actually lost my mind.

And it scared me.

The choke out part was actually euphoric so I came back in an elevated mood, but in the back of my mind I was just like, “That was close.” And it made me even more glad that I’ve given that shit up.

Reality is precious to me these day, and it wasn’t always so. For a long time I didn’t care if I lived or died, and in fact sought death. I never actually tried to kill myself, but I wanted to.

But now I don’t feel that way (well, most of the time) and I want to make the best use of my time allotted here. Tonight was a good reminder to cherish the things I love. My sanity included.

CBD

So I just started using daily supplements of CBD. I’ve long heard of the medicinal benefits for epilepsy, chemo treatment, etc. but I didn’t realize how impactful it could be to combat generalized anxiety.

I’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life, as far back as grade school. Honestly, probably since kindergarten. I just never felt comfortable out in public. Over the years it got easier, and then with repeated drug use it got harder. It’s at the worst point it’s ever been and I’m nearly 33 years old. That’s too much, man.

Anyway, I quit smoking pot 6 months ago because I wanted to experiment and see if that was the cause of my anxiety. Turns out it wasn’t. In fact my anxiety started getting a lot worse. But I persevered and kept at it. I started going to therapy, tried to eat more consistently, sleep more, etc. Those all made tiny improvements, but nothing more than 5% or 10%. It’s still pretty much as it’s always been.

In the last couple of weeks I’d keep thinking, “I should go down to the pot shop and get some CBD strains.” I didn’t know if it would help but I figured it was worth a shot. But I kept putting it off because I didn’t want to resort to smoking pot again, even if it had little to no amounts of THC. But then when I was at a Chevron a few days ago, I saw some CBD gummies for sale and thought, “Fuck it.” I bought a pack and then went my way.

About an hour after trying my first one my anxiety all but disappeared. It was strange, I could feel what I assume normal anxiety feels like for the first time. I mean, I could still feel anxious but it wasn’t overwhelming like it’s been. Whereas prior it was like putting a mic next to a speaker and getting stuck in that feedback loop, now I can simply move the mic back a few feet and go my way.

So yeah, after that I went to a shop and got a tincture and vape pen. I take a daily dose of the tincture in the morning and vape throughout the day as needed. A part of me wonders if I can still claim to be sober while doing this and the other part of me says to fuck off. I suppose what should matter is the results, and as I look around my house and see that it’s the most in order than it’s been in a year, I should shut the fuck up and be grateful.