I was pretty tired after today’s workout and immediately fell asleep. I dreamt about snakes. Lots of snakes. Probably in the hundreds. They were all baby snakes and I was at work, supposed to be doing my job. But I tried avoiding them and looked for an area without them. I never found one. I eventually scared myself awake and thought about what it could mean.
I remember clearly in the dream that it was mating season. And after thinking about the dream it dawned on me what it was about. I’m also running from mating season in my waking life.
I’m in the prime of my life, at my most attractive, and I have made zero effort to capitalize upon this. I haven’t made the best choices in love (mostly lust) and I fear I have little objectivity in that regard. Thus I’ve stayed as far away as possible. And even further in some cases.
My last serious relationship spiraled into my deepest, darkest depression and nearly killed me. I’ve got scars aplenty and haven’t tried to balm them.
But these wounds aren’t getting any better on their own and something’s gotta give.
I quit smoking pot a little over a month ago after being a consistent smoker for ten years. It feels weird because I’m pro drugs, just not pro addiction. Turns out I was falling more and more into the latter category.
I noticed I wouldn’t go out, even if there was something I should be doing (like buying groceries) because I’d feel ultra self-conscious. It’s hard enough to get the motivation to go out in public sober, nearly impossible otherwise.
I’ve tried quitting a few times over the years but what finally got me serious was my lack of dreams. Not in the metaphorical sense, but literally. A common side-effect to pot is losing one’s ability to recall dreams. I’ve discussed this with many people and it seems like nearly everyone experiences this.
Since I quit I’ve had intense dreams every night without fail. Some keep me awake and in sweats but I’m okay with that. I feel that dreams are more than just insignificant data being processed by the brain; they are an integral part of learning what your hopes and fears are. Without dreams you may not really know why you are feeling what you feel but with dreams you cannot hide from the truth.
It was through a dream that I learned I was tired of my job, or rather my job was exhausting me. I love my job, but some aspects of it make me miserable, even when I’m at home. I’m not one to want to carry my work with me when I leave. It was beginning to affect all areas of my life. A dream pointed out to me that there was another way.
I let it sit for a while and I got progressively more depressed until I finally had to do something about it. It was either change or blow up, and I’ve seen the latter happen to damaging effect so it was certainly not going to be that. I told my superiors that I wanted to drop down to a lower position.
Today I finally got to see the result of that conversation and it felt incredible.
Listen to your heart or watch as it gets ripped out.
I had the most difficult time sleeping last night, or rather attempting to do so. I lay down in bed around midnight and for the next eight hours I think I totaled less than an hour’s worth of legitimate sleep.
Around 7 or 8 am though I did manage to sleep. And dream.
I dreamt that I was back at my old home in Chatsworth, CA. I have dreamed of this location numerous times, probably in the hundreds or close to it. Whenever I dream of this location the usual themes crop up: running (from what, who knows), searching (once again, no idea what for), and a bit of exploration. There are gates on either side of the house that section the backyard from the front yard. Usually I find myself navigating some sort of pattern into and through the house, into the back yard, around the house, around the block, etc. Always meandering and circling, much like this post so far.
Well last night it changed for the first time in years. A bunch of shit and drama happened that I now have no recollection but what I do remember is this. One of my bosses was helping me with something I needed assistance with. I entered the garage and started to fiddle with something. He comes over and tells me another way of doing it. I continue doing it my way and he becomes furious. He no longer wishes to help. I go over and talk to him and try to see if I can smooth things over but this just escalates the situation and I end up throwing in the towel and quitting (even though I wasn’t even working at the time).
Well after quitting I start hightailing it around the block. As soon as I start running around the first corner I throw my jacket to the floor so that I can run faster (apparently I am now in my work uniform although I don’t believe I was earlier). A woman I have never seen before starts chasing me with her hands outstretched. She is holding a red rose. She calls for me to stop. I keep running.
A few blocks down she is still begging me to stop but I persist. She starts to slow down and turn away, giving up chase. I feel bad and turn around and ask her what she wants. She wishes to show me a house and I get the feeling that perhaps sex is not out of the question. Her house is not far and inside is her husband/lover/whatever and he is naked and just sitting there waiting for us. He has the biggest balls I have ever seen, like literally 3 or 4 feet in diameter. I find this fascinating and wake up.