My biggest fear since early childhood has been public singing. I’ve been so terrified of it that I wouldn’t even allow myself to sing in my room even if I knew no one else could possibly hear me. I wouldn’t sing in the car. I just never did it, and if I did it was a mumbled mess.
I feel things deeply. Way more than I let on. And if you’re gonna be a good singer you need to show everyone what’s inside.
I remember being 13 or 14 and thinking to myself, “I wonder if what I’m supposed to be is a singer and that’s why it scares me so much?” I noticed the irony of it and thought it worth noting. Now I’m twice that age and counting and I’m beginning to see that I was not too far off.
I didn’t know that music would carry me this far. I’m not a popular musician by any aspect but I’ve had success with it, however limited. I never tried to be anything when I played music. When you are socializing you have to play the part. The part people expect. The part they accept.
In music you’re totally free to express yourself exactly as you feel. When I played I got into, like really into it. Sure it scared me to do it publicly, but as I’ve grown and embarrassed myself endlessly it’s becoming no matter at all.
But now it’s time to figure out this singing mess. I’ve been singing in the car for the last 2 years or so. Pretty much for as long as I’ve been doing crossfit. I’m not sure why I started but I probably just stopped giving a fuck.
My singing is getting better but it still sucks. But I am reminded of Kurt Cobain. His voice works because it’s his own shit. He’s expressing himself in his own unique way. And it fucking works. So I’ve got to find my voice.
I’ve got a few songs written on guitar, but they’re all instrumental. I’ve got to figure out how to write these lyrics. To be honest, I haven’t given it more than a moment’s thought. But Chester’s death today made me realize it’s probably fucking time.