Life Is

Pain and suffering is something only living beings can experience.

Think about that again.  ONLY living beings can experience pain.  It often occurs to me that life is overly unfair, painful, tedious, etc. and it’s finally hit me that, duh, only life COULD produce those qualities.  Therefore life itself must be masochistic.

Just get over it and enjoy the burn.

One Month

Burning Man is one month away and the excitement is beginning to take hold. I just purchased my tent, sleeping bag, etc. and the reality is setting in.

I believe I am going in with the right mindset but who knows what will happen when I get there.  It has dawned on me that I’m treating this like a psychadelic trip (which it may very well lead into).

When you’re about to embark on a visionary journey the mindset you bring with you is as important or perhaps more so than the specific chemical. Set and Setting if you know the lingo.

Usually when the trip is over you come away with a greater understanding of self or perhaps more confidence.  But sometimes you are left thinking about things you’d rather ignore yet ultimately need to be resolved.

I expect Burning Man to behave similarly.

deadmau5

I just recently started getting into deadmau5.  I’m not a huge fan of EDM but some of it is cool. I do like instrumental compositions though which is probably why I can appreciate it.

When I was younger I ignored most music outside of rock and metal but lately I’ve been intentionally branching out to expand my musical repertoire.

I’ve been writing and playing music more frequently and I’m trying to incorporate new sounds into my shit. For whatever reason, EDM is making an impact on me.  That probably has a lot to do with preparation for Burning Man as that’s likely all I’ll be hearing when I’m there.

Cold Feet

I met this gorgeous woman the other day while ordering coffee and it occurred to me that I should probably ask her out.  I could tell she was into me and there seemed to be little to lose as it wasn’t a place I usually frequent, so worst that happens is I embarrass myself and stop going there.

Well I took the chicken-shit path and left without doing anything and now I can’t get her out of my head.  I see attractive people all the time and quickly forget them, so my inability to forget her is troubling.

I got off work early and went back to the shop but she was already gone.  I went again two days later to no avail. And a third time today. Eventually I’m going to run into her again and figure out if this is all one-sided. Either way, it’ll be good to clear my conscience.

Fears

I’m going to be moving back to SoCal in a few months and the thought terrifies me.  Well, more so the implications than the thought but whatever.

I’ve got a good situation here.  I like my job, I like my friends, I love my gym.  I’ve got enough free time to pursue my own forms of pleasure and comfort, and I’ve got enough money to be able to save a little every month.

But these things don’t make me happy.  My fear is that I will bring that unhappiness with me and nothing will change except my circumstances.

But I’ve studied lots of different lives, the ones that have impressed me the most, and they all took a chance in some form or fashion.  If you never make the leap you’ll never know the landing.

Tucker Max once wrote, “The only way to know you’re walking the right path is to walk that path” and it’s been my guiding ethos.  It’s the calmness in my ocean of negativity.

Goals

I’m very good at setting goals.  And somewhat terrible at achieving them. I’m getting better with age and experience, but one constantly eludes me: writing.  That’s probably the only reason I even keep this page up; it’s something to do.

I’ve always considered myself a writer, yet seldom write anything.  In school, I would get amazing grades in English. It didn’t matter if it was dealing with parts of speech or a book report or whatever.  I could bullshit my way through to an “A” effortlessly.  Maybe that’s why I struggle so much now, because everything I write still sounds like bullshit to me.  I never had to try very hard and people were impressed.

It’s much harder to impress yourself.

But whenever I read a good book or see a good movie, it generates new ideas in my head and I think, “That would be a good story.”  And there it sits until it dies.  If I had a bucket for all my unused ideas…

But at least I’m practicing a little bit here and there.  One day I’m going to have to try this for real.

Desire

I’m reading through a Neil Gaiman biographic and in one section (lie, many sections) he’s talking about the impetus for his writing career.  And of course it forces me think about my own path.  And I think I have found one constant:

I want to do my own thing.

That’s it.  It doesn’t matter if it’s writing, or music, or psychology, metaphysics, whatever.  If it’s something I came up with and chose to do, I’m happy. If it turns out sucking, I’ll change to something else.  But it’s this freedom to stop doing one thing and start doing another that is enticing.  I don’t believe in restrictions and I don’t like being told how to think/speak/behave. Those are my own to divine and no one else.

And right now I just want to be lazy and read books.

Bullies

For whatever reason bullies absolutely love me (or hate me, whichever). It’s probably because I don’t stand up for myself when I’m being picked on. I’ll just let it slide and move on. But bullies see this as ripe opportunity and keep pressing. It’s incredibly tiring to just sit there and take it but calling them out seems unlikely to solve anything. Perhaps I’m wrong though.

Either way, I’ve realized male dominated arenas are probably not the best place for me. Not enough empathy and way too much dick waving. No thanks.

Speakers

Normally when I want to get something the first thing I do is figure out how I can buy it. It doesn’t matter if it’s something I can do on my own, if it’s faster I’ll pay.

This time however it was actually faster for me to do it myself. The stereo shop would have taken almost a week due to high volume of business. I was able to do it myself in a few days. It was also cheaper as well. Learned a few things with the help of friends and internet. I now feel confident to do this entirely on my own the next time I am in the mood to upgrade.

Sweet deal.

Meditations

Life gets easier, but it never gets easy.

My life is a constant merry-go-round. Sometimes I’m up, sometimes I’m down, and nothing I do ever seems to change that. What does change is how I respond to those moments.

In the past I would be down and think, “It’s all over. It’s all downhill from here…” But as I’ve grown and been thrust into unusual situations, I’ve learned to tell myself that, “This too shall pass.” Everything is transitory. Life is in a perpetual state of falling apart, all the time. We try to grasp this present moment and place it in a glass jar, but it’s like trying to grasp water with your fingers. Much better to splash around in it.