So I just finished reading The Dark Tower series by Stephen King tonight. I’ve spent the last year reading them (with other books interspersed) so it’s been quite a long journey. I spoiled the ending before reading the first book so I’ve been anticipating a certain sequence for the last year now. You’d think knowing how a book ends before starting it would diminish the enjoyment, yet it seemed to have the opposite effect. I knew what happened, but now I was going to see how.
Anyway, now it’s over and I’m not quite sure what to do. Reading has been pretty much my only goal as late. Sometimes I focus on music, sometimes on games, but lately I’ve only cared for reading. Or at least reading at work. When I’m at home there’s many things I’d rather do than read, but since I get so much free time at work reading seems to be the best way to utilize that time. I literally get paid to read, and that feels fucking fantastic. If I just spent all my time on my phone I’d feel like I’m stuck in a dead-end job, but if I use that time to read it feels like a dream job. Well, almost. A dream entry job, let’s say.
My dream job of course is to be self employed. Maybe I’ll finish a book one day and that will pay the bills. Or record an album or two. Who knows. But something like that would be ideal. For now though I get to educate and entertain myself however I wish and I get rewarded for it. Seems good to me.
So I just started using daily supplements of CBD. I’ve long heard of the medicinal benefits for epilepsy, chemo treatment, etc. but I didn’t realize how impactful it could be to combat generalized anxiety.
I’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life, as far back as grade school. Honestly, probably since kindergarten. I just never felt comfortable out in public. Over the years it got easier, and then with repeated drug use it got harder. It’s at the worst point it’s ever been and I’m nearly 33 years old. That’s too much, man.
Anyway, I quit smoking pot 6 months ago because I wanted to experiment and see if that was the cause of my anxiety. Turns out it wasn’t. In fact my anxiety started getting a lot worse. But I persevered and kept at it. I started going to therapy, tried to eat more consistently, sleep more, etc. Those all made tiny improvements, but nothing more than 5% or 10%. It’s still pretty much as it’s always been.
In the last couple of weeks I’d keep thinking, “I should go down to the pot shop and get some CBD strains.” I didn’t know if it would help but I figured it was worth a shot. But I kept putting it off because I didn’t want to resort to smoking pot again, even if it had little to no amounts of THC. But then when I was at a Chevron a few days ago, I saw some CBD gummies for sale and thought, “Fuck it.” I bought a pack and then went my way.
About an hour after trying my first one my anxiety all but disappeared. It was strange, I could feel what I assume normal anxiety feels like for the first time. I mean, I could still feel anxious but it wasn’t overwhelming like it’s been. Whereas prior it was like putting a mic next to a speaker and getting stuck in that feedback loop, now I can simply move the mic back a few feet and go my way.
So yeah, after that I went to a shop and got a tincture and vape pen. I take a daily dose of the tincture in the morning and vape throughout the day as needed. A part of me wonders if I can still claim to be sober while doing this and the other part of me says to fuck off. I suppose what should matter is the results, and as I look around my house and see that it’s the most in order than it’s been in a year, I should shut the fuck up and be grateful.
It was recently asked of me as to what my favorite book was, to which I struggled with for a few minutes before finally settling on an answer.
The answer I gave was Armor by John Steakley, a book which was given to me by my uncle when I was thirteen. It was my first foray in to Science Fiction, and also my first to actually reading for pleasure. Previously I had only read Hardy Boys or Goosebumps or whatever else was required by school. Armor was the first book that I absolutely loved and I still love it today even after reading it 15 times or so. It’s probably not the best book I’ve ever read, but how do you quantify that anyway?
Regardless, it got me thinking what are my favorite books? So I decided to come up with a list. In no particular order, these are my favorites and ones that I heartily recommend.
- Snow Crash
- The Diamond Age: Or, A Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer
- The Stars My Destination
- Stranger in a Strange Land
- A Scanner Darkly
- The Man in the High Castle
- Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said
- Dr. Bloodmoney, or How We Got Along After the Bomb
- The Reality Dysfunction
- Consider Phlebas
- The Player of Games
- Use of Weapons
- The Sandman
- American Gods
- I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream
- The Dark Tower
- The 48 Laws of Power
- The Art of Seduction
So this is a strange turn of events. Not only have I been completely sober for nearly 3 months but I’ve been going to therapy for about a month now. I find this odd as I am pro-drugs and anti-therapy. But life has a way of challenging your beliefs.
I’ve always been prone to anxiety. It’s likely just part of my temperament being an introvert, but being picked on all throughout my life all the way up to high school certainly didn’t help. Becoming a recluse at age 10 didn’t help either. Playing thousands upon thousands of hours of video games plays into it surely. I didn’t really start socializing until I started work at age 18. I still think I suck at it now, but I’ve had plenty of practice so it’s a little easier. But never easy.
I started experimenting with drugs at age 21. First with pot, then ecstasy, Salvia, mushrooms, LSD. I tried coke a few times and heroin once but those weren’t my thing. I liked psychedelics. I could take a large dose, close my eyes, and I’d be transported to alien realms. Figuratively of course. But certainly nothing you can experience in your everyday normal existence. It took me until about 3 months ago to realize I was addicted. Not to any one particular substance, although I did smoke pot daily for a decade, but just addicted to not being here. Not being present. And now I’m paying the price. Because all I want to do is be here and it’s too fucking difficult now.
Hence therapy. At least I finally succumbed and decided it was needed. And it scares me (pretty much everything does) but I’d rather be scared and alive than dead and nonexistent.
I don’t know how long it’s going to take before I start feeling “normal” again, if it’s even possible. My brain has been through the ringer. I just hope over time and with work that life becomes easier. Because this shit is getting old.