Day Four

So I’ve made it past my third night. Jesus. You have no idea how difficult this has been. I almost broke down crying all throughout the night. I was pissed off and depressed and therefore wasn’t smiling. No one really came up to talk to me. So I wandered all the way to the perimeter and admired the art structures. It’s been three nights and I’ve yet to see them all.

I’ve got so many fears and anxieties coursing through me it’s insane. Not the least of which is smell. There are no showers here and I’m staying in a tent in 100 degree weather with no shade. Not pretty. Pretty sure my neighbors despise me for it (okay, despise might be going too far). Either way, they aren’t pleased. Yet they sit in an air-conditioned RV. So fucking move away right?

My hair is gross. My wet wipes smell worse. Should have got generic baby wipes. These bio wipes suck donkey balls.

I had two of the most intense dreams (nightmares) last night. Pretty sure they are reoccurring too but it was so crystal clear vivid. It felt realer than how I feel right now writing this.

I will not go into detail.

I’m basically starving myself here. I’ve probably lost a good 7 – 10 pounds. Maybe more. My arms are noticeably weaker. My abs are ultra defined. At least I will enjoy putting the pounds back on at the gym.

I’m grumpy as fuck. My first day I walked around with a smile on my face. Today is misery plastered. I have to keep reminding myself that I only have to make it through this day. And even less than that. Just make it to sundown. If you can do that you’ll be alright. Go to sleep instead of playing outside. Rest while it is cooler.

I purposely ended my night while it was still dark to try to catch up on sleep. It’s difficult to recall now but I may have got 3 hours of sleep the first night, less the second, and maybe 6 the third. I am borderline hallucinating. If I close my eyes I can sometimes see thoughts/images and not realize my eyes are closed. A couple of times I caught myself about to speak aloud. Funny stuff.

I’ve been told that I make strange noises in my sleep.

News update!: So I’ve been fearing that my tent smells. I thought (although I may have imagined it) I overheard my neighbors complaining about my tent smelling. I kept thinking it was coming from another RV but wasn’t sure. Well a guy just came up and informed me it was indeed a propane leak. So it’s not really my fault. Sucks to take the blame though.

Back to noisy sleeping, I hope I didn’t scream in my sleep. I had some very frightening dreams that bolted me awake. If I’m making a fuss it would be highly embarrassing.

I’m tired and exhausted, fatigued and famished, moody and… you get the point.  Every hour is a struggle. It really opens your eyes to the struggle of life. We have so many amenities that we take for granted. We quite literally live in a paradise, yet we have somehow imagined it to be hell. It’s funny (at least I think so), when my neighbor mentioned that the guy’s RV could blow up I was excited. Excited the blast would be big enough to take me too.

This place man.

So the only thing I want to do today is more Acro Yoga. What fun that was! If I don’t see Emily that’s fine, but it would surely be nice.

I’m noticeably tanner now. One of my fellow crossfitters mentioned I needed a better tan right before I left. Will be curious to see her reaction upon returning.

I’m going to have to make some changes when I get back home. I don’t know what kind of changes, but there should be many.

This place has a way of challenging you to the core. I’ve never done anything so challenging. And I’ve gotten many rewards already: friendship, ideas, beliefs. But I also hope to learn more about myself and my place here as I reflect back on this journey.

Ironically the most appetizing food I’ve brought with me is Sun Chips. It’s salty, crispy, and yummy. And I’m a poor linguist. But whatever. I’m eating a bagel now and it’s difficult to keep down. Too heavy. Sun chips are light and airy.

I ordered some pizza from Dominoes the night before I left and brought it in a cooler. I only ate 3 pieces before I couldn’t touch them any more. They have been getting a smell since. I got it in another bag to hopefully counter the smell.

I had an interesting idea last night. I brought a few demo CD’s of my PSYBER.cide songs. Was going to bring it up in conversation and then pass them out individually but now I think I might scatter them around for people to find while exploring. Alternatively, I could pull out my acoustic guitar and if people like what I play give them out. We’ll see.

Well the bagel didn’t do shit. Maybe made me feel worse. Gonna munch on some chips now.

I just put on my headphones and am listening to Steven Wilson’s To The Bone. It instantly made me want to cry.

I was hoping that when I came here I would have some idea as to my future, at least artistically. Jam with Bobby again, with Greg and Danny, something new? But I’m left clueless.

If I’m honest with myself, the PSYBER.cide stuff is my favorite. But that’s because it most closely resembles what I hear in my head. When I played bass for Greg I had to compromise on the sound. It was good but I imagined it better in my head. Maybe I’m to work solo? I don’t know.

I came across a piano on the edges of the city and was going to play the song I wrote but as it was severely detuned I couldn’t find the starting chords. Silly, I started playing when I was 13. That shouldn’t have been an issue.

The Zendo dome was amazing last night. I simply laid on my back and watched the patterns evolve. I stayed there for 30 minutes or so. Even without drugs or booze it was intense.

Speaking of booze, last night was the first night I went out sober. I had a few sips of vodka before bed, but while I was out and about I didn’t touch a drop. Being buzzed helps tremendously out here as it allows you to forget your worries and simply be in the moment.

I’m not sure what time it is but the sun is beginning its trek across the sky. My shade where I am writing is diminishing and I will soon have to leave and explore. I will make my way to center camp and try to find the acro’s.

Still, an overwhelming sadness hangs over me and I want to break down. If I were home now I would allow it to take over and feel the release. Yet I cannot allow myself that freedom in the presence of others.

I find it odd, yet it is what it is.

Steven Wilson’s Pariah is playing and it’s challenging to remain calm and passive. But so far so good.

I met a cool fire dancer the second night by the name of Andrew. He was super cool. He told me to stop by his camp but I’ve yet to. I saw him again last night but failed to approach him as I was feeling very down. But I’d like to encounter him again. He’s from SoCal and plays both guitar and bass and likes progressive metal. Exactly the same as my story. And what a loving soul. He’s a special one.

Both he and Emily are my two favorite people here, yet I’ve only had one encounter with each. But those encounters left me in awe. People can be so cruel, and when you find someone pure it makes you stop and stand in awe. Keep on rocking guys! You make the world.

I’m fortunate that April gave me a journal two Christmases ago. I’ve written in 4 or 5 of them now and if not for that event I likely would not be writing here now. And how would I manage then? Probably not at all.

The smell of propane is strong now. I wonder if my neighbor will realize his error in judgement before this trip is up.

I find it funny how we can judge things so quickly and feel totally secure in that judgement, but we can be so wrong.

I still wonder if I even heard them correctly. Would be ironic, no? Me judging them judging me and we’re not even close to the truth. Folly.

More and more people are waking up now. Probably 8 or 9 am then? I refuse to check my phone to verify.

Refuge is now playing. Such a powerful song. It makes me want to head bang and dance, but I don’t like other to witness me doing that. I went to a rave the other night and couldn’t really dance to the music. I thought it was because I was shy (and surely I am) but if they were playing this song I definitely would have let go. So it seems that you need to find what moves you. Sure you can bob around to everything, but clearly a few genres will make you go crazy. For me it’s rock concerts. I danced the fuck out of the last one. The acid helped a bit there. lol God I must have made a fool of myself that night but fuck it. I know I made people smile and laugh, and likely fed more energy to the crowd and band. All from 1/8th of a tab. Fucking insane compound. Such power from minuscule doses.

It was difficult to drink water when I first awoke. Been guzzling that shit recently. Stomach is slight better but still nauseated. I considered bringing a second journal to write in but thought surely I would not come close to filling this one up yet I can’t stop writing today. Oh well.

I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon. It seems the later people come to the playa the more “spoiled” or “touristy” they are. Spectators as Burners call them. This could be a rash judgement, but more and more clean people are around and they seem very particular. One mentioned “in the old days” we cut the cables to generators that were left on all night. Seemed overly rash to me. Well that particular guy came with his family two days late and is leaving two days early. See my point?

Whatever.

I’m tired of applying sunscreen, but fear the result of that stupid idea. Best just get over it.

Alright, I’m gonna put this down for a bit and explore. Piss for sure. Later.

So today has been awesome. Met some new people and learned one of them lived in Coos Bay. We talked about a variety of subjects from drugs to music and he even gave me a drop of acid. That was the turning point for the day for me. Went out as it was kicking in and found a live musician who was amazing. Got a CD from him too. King Benjamin.

The sun has set and I plan to destroy the night. I’ll probably write a bunch tomorrow.

Right now I’m trying to figure out what to do with my rancid pizza. It’s in a ziploc, in a trash bag, in a cooler but damn is it gross. Better there than in the trunk of the car, right? I mean, it’s not exactly like I can throw it in a trash can.

Only a few more days.

Today is the first day I feel at home. The acid certainly helps but I’ve also become acquainted. Acquainted with the playa, the people, the art, the wind, the heat.

Well, not so much the last one, but you can’t win ’em all. If that’s what it takes to be here so be it.

I found out my bio wipes were very pungent. I’ve resorted to using paper towels and water. I assume I won’t run out of water but we’ll see. Perhaps I can find someone who has extra when/if that occurs.

I finally admitted to someone that I brought along my CD’s to share and he agreed that to just hand them out is no bueno. He said leaving them scattered however is cool. So perhaps I’ll do that tonight.

But that also means carrying my backpack which is a pain. Might be worth it though.

The sky is a beautiful pinkish color. You should see it here.

Trying to kill some more time. Want to go out dressed in lights. Maybe I’ll actually wear them “properly” rather than just strewn about. But fuck it. Butt fuck it. Yeah, yeah.

There was a puzzle art piece out in deep playa. There is an 8 digit passcode to access its inner sanctuary yet no one has figured it out yet. Wonder if I can assist? I already have a few ideas based on my initial research last night.

I’m feeling a good buzz right now and don’t want to add alcohol into the mix. Maybe later I will.

One (!) cool thing about Burning Man is all the awesome pro gay, pro trans, pro whatever. It’s freeing and lovely. Nothing at all like Coos Bay. But maybe I’m supposed to be an ambassador there. Is that not what the Burn is all about? We all come here from around the world and then go back to our homes. But we bring the Burn with us. Quite literally in the case of the playa dust. But whatever.

Maybe its true value is in how each individual changes; they bring that catalyst to change with them and people who are receptive to the message can change too.

I’m listening to shroom.jam right now and it’s sounding great. I didn’t like it last time I listened to it on acid. But seems like that was an exception. Cool shit.

Alright, so I will bring my backpack then. I should bring this journal too just in case. Bring a flashlight – you forgot it last night.

Day Three

So I went out last night and got drunk again. Met a bunch of cool people. Had a great conversation with a fire spinner. Helped a girl who was rolling a bit too hard on molly. Went to a rave and climbed atop and watched from the netting. Eventually went down and bobbed my head a bit. All in all, good times. A bit hungover though.

It’s still pretty early but already it feels like today is gonna be a hot one. Testing out the netting my new neighbors gave me yesterday.

My arms look noticeably weaker than I recall; I must be eating up a lot of my stored muscle. Oh well. Eating is still a no go. Tried eating a protein bar and had to put it down after one bite. Protein drinks seem to be the only thing I can keep down. And sun chips. Who doesn’t love sun chips?

It’s crazy how much this place changes once the sun goes down. It’s not unlike the bioluminescence from Avatar. I never made it to the playa the first night as I got stuck in a bar, but last night was amazing. So much art. So many people. Much colors. Such wow.

Can still feel the hangover creeping up on me. Would tell myself to be careful not to move around so much but the sun is making its way overhead so that’s a given already.

There isn’t really any breeze right now. Wonder if that’s why it feels so hot. I actually ended putting on a shirt at one point last night. It wasn’t that cold but it was getting near “cold.” I made multiple stops back at camp to resupply on water and redbull.

I hope Chloe is alright. She was tripping hard on molly and in that state you are basically roofied. I had a strong desire to fuck her but chose against it as it felt almost like cheating. But after I left her I couldn’t get her off my mind and started worrying. What if someone else takes advantage of her? I was keeping an eye out for her for about 30 minutes, helping her try and set up some amps at the jam camp. Probably would have been cool if we ever figured it out. Her incessant apologies made me smile. So that’s what it’s like when I’m on that stuff.

Anyway, I actually ended up finding her again after I left and found a bathroom and it seemed like some dude was taking good care of her. Once I saw how they were interacting I felt better about leaving her alone. But still, I hope she’s alright.

There’s a weird phenomenon going on: chicks love looking at me but when I approach they back off. I wonder if I’m taking too long to approach. Maybe there’s a timer counting down or something.

I miss my gym. I miss my friends. I miss my shower. I miss my A/C. But it’s worth it to be here now.

The wind still hasn’t picked up at all. Day is half over though. Sun is almost directly overhead. Eating still makes me sick. At least I can keep applesauce and gatorade down.

A bit surprised how well it’s going considering my complete and utter failure to prepare properly. Wrong food. Check. No shade. Check. Wrong attire. Check. About the only thing I did right was the water.

Wish I could sleep.

I went out wandering in the middle of the heat as it was worse sitting in my tent. But holy shit!!! I just met some of the most amazing people ever. I was getting lost and circling the same area when I stopped under a shaded structure for a rest. I ended up staying for hours having some of the most fun I’ve ever had. Sober, anyway.

There was a topless lady inviting me to do some Acro Yoga. I thought she was saying Aggro Yoga so was at a complete loss as to what she was saying. I said fuck it and accepted her offer.

We ended up having partners taking turn raising each other up on their legs and their other flying from their hips. There were many complicated movements that I had never seen before (actually, all of it) and at one point a guy was literally twirling another girl in circles and other shit. It was insane.

After that we did some stretches before going into a connection program. Basically, dance lessons, at least as far as learning to push and pull people.

After that we had people fall in the middle of a group and the others would push them back up. Afterwards we did a group massage.

And the whole time this amazing person was nothing but joy and sunshine. I don’t know about love at first sight and all that but I’ve never been sure about anything. But damn. I’m literally struggling to find words to describe her and I know it’s cliche to say her beauty lacks proper description but there it is just the same.

Her name is Emily.

Anyway, she said they have a lot of acro yoga people near center camp from 12pm – 3pm. I would very much enjoy seeing her again.

There is rain off in the distance. Should be interesting?

Doesn’t look like the rain is going to come after all. It drizzled a little but that’s all.

So I’ve been killing time, waiting for the sun to set so that I can set out myself.

Soon.

Day Two

So I’ve successfully (?) made it through the first day. Totally not at all what I thought. Also didn’t expect to get completely drunk the first night. That was kinda fun.

Met and spoke privately with a number of individuals. My neighbors (both sides), people at the bar, out on the playa, at the Man.

Had a dream about the lady sitting at the bar. Purrina or something. Cute.

Hopefully today goes a bit better. I believe it will at least.

Been a few more hours and it’s getting hotter now. Winds picked up too. Let’s see if my tent can withstand.

It’s interesting. When I was in Hawaii there were lots and lots of very attractive people. That’s still the case here but they aren’t as fit, at least speaking of the men. The women are actually fitter. Last August I thought I was the shit and now I feel like I’m nothing special. Been getting a lot of looks though. Who knows, maybe it will inspire one or two of them to get in shape.

Been at least another hour now. I think. The sun is not yet directly overhead so it’s probably 10:30 or 11. Around 6 is when it was cool enough to safely wander outside.

So this seems to be my strategy: wait out the sun. Find shade and rest. Conserve energy. Then go out and explore when the time is right. Try not to stay out too late and start sleeping before the sun rises. Otherwise you will wake up sweating with very little actual rest.

I’ve struggled to read The Stand and even thought it odd as I can read pretty well these days. But I’m glad I have it with me here and with so much left.

I still don’t know what I’m doing out here. When I first heard about Burning Man I was interested in a giant drug-filled party. What I’m getting is anything but. But it’s okay, it’s only been a day or so.

I feel that I might meet someone or a group of someones, someone who will make sense of my purpose. Why am I alive? How best can I serve others and myself? I’ve felt that I’ve been failing at both of those, although I’m getting better at taking care of myself. It’s time to lighten others’ loads.

I ended up bringing too much stuff. Ironically. I feared that I would run out of food and starve, but it’s exactly the opposite. I have so much food I don’t know what to do with it. Surely can’t eat it! The heat has deprived me of any hunger. Eating makes me sick to my stomach. Ironically again.

I can’t stress this point enough: the most important thing to succeed at Burning Man is SHADE! And water, but I feel that’s a given. If you have shade, water, and a good book you can withstand the brutality of the heat. Without it you’re fucked.

Walked down to the library and picked up The Confederacy of Dunces. Supposed to return it next year. The book caught my attention because my younger brother had mentioned it to me before. I remember being inspired by the author’s story. The book was published 10 years after his death.  He had a Master’s Degree in English and was a teacher at a university, and obviously wrote in his free time. At some point he must have “realized” that his dreams of becoming an author weren’t going to happen and he killed himself without ever publishing anything. Maybe he thought people would take him seriously that way. Who knows? Regardless, I now have the book and have read the first chapter. Very witty and snappy dialogue. Almost zero exposition. Probably similar in style to something I wish to write. The interchange of ideas through dialogue is what fascinates me. Much more so than a wooden description of a particular thing in a particular way. Who knows, maybe this will be the book I write.

I made myself some instant coffee before I left and when I returned it was warm. About the best way to get hot coffee here I suppose.

Today is a much better day. I made a fatal mistake yesterday and wandered the playa for hours. In jeans and a shirt. Now I wear only shorts. No underwear. No shirt. It’s much too hot otherwise, and even then still.

I’m sitting in my tent and the sides are flapping wildly. No way in hell am I zipping them up. Another mistake I made yesterday. Won’t happen again.

Everything I have brought here is now pastel. There is a chalkiness to it all. In a sense you could say it is all ruined, but that seems to be an error in reasoning. I brought all that I did because I believed it would soothe or shelter me. And acting upon your beliefs is never a mistake. Even if it ends up that way.

I have this habit where I rub my eyes. Therefore I don’t like my hands to be dirty. In this place it is caked with dust and sunscreen. Yesterday I rubbed my eyes until they watered due to stinging. Also not going to make that mistake again.

I used to think that a great writer would stop and ponder at the page, write a sentence (or even half) and reflect. Now I am sure otherwise. I believe great writers just write. They have been training their brains since birth to excel at it in the way that they talk to themself. Therefore just write. Edit out the bad shit if you desire. But write unceasingly until it is done and finished.

At this point I would gladly pay $100 for a nice shower. Seriously. Money is fucking useless here, but water is gold. A shower is liquid heaven, a great big sloppy kiss from the Goddess.

Yesterday while I was speaking with my neighbors I kept getting an erection whenever I looked at Janel’s (?) boobs. Because I wasn’t wearing underwear and I was sitting in front of Israel, I believe he noticed. When I went over to say hi this morning he did not seem as friendly. I suppose I have overstayed my welcome.

But damn she had nice tits.

My acoustic guitar is likely to be ruined by the end of this week. When I went to fiddle with it earlier all of the strings were severely detuned. Dramatically so. I bet the wood will begin warping too. I only hope that it sounds cooler because of it somehow. Who knows, right?

I have a fondness for out of tune/sync things. A little dissonance goes a long way. When I recorded my songs with Bobby one string was particularly bad. At first I hated it, then I accepted it, now I kinda love it. It makes the opening to the song very dark and cold, much the way I was feeling under the circumstances. Maybe my acoustic guitar will have a similar effect permanently now.

I turned on my phone to quickly take a picture and caught glimpse of the time. 1:07 PM. That was 15 minutes ago or so. I’ve since shut off my phone. Best to immerse myself completely.

For some reason I thought that I would be getting offers for sex simply by being here. Naivety is a fool’s burden.

I probably could have last night though as there was one chick eyeing me a lot at the bar. We sat near each other for nearly two hours. I left because I was drunk and tired and didn’t want to expend the energy necessary to seal the deal. Besides, there was a guy trying to make it with her. Best let him have her. More will come. Or cum. Whatever.

Tonight I plan to wander the playa and admire the art. That was my plan last night but drink took priority. I don’t regret it.

I’m amazed and surprised that I have not encountered any “jocks” here. Frat boys. Fuck boys. Whatever. So far everyone has been super chill and down to earth. They have a saying here: “Welcome home.” Now I see why. Only cool people come here. Only the crazy are ballsy enough to attempt it. Basically, if you’re here you’re already accepted by default. You’d have to go out of your way to make enemies, and even then it may not be possible.

I love my long hair but goddamn does it suck out here. Extra heat is no bueno. Oh well. Sacrifices and such.

I just dreamt (metaphorically) about leaving and the thought of air conditioned coolness sounds so pleasing. A touch of God. Every time the wind blows I am thankful. It’s the only balm to the torturous heat. I am grateful.

There seems to be a trick to surviving out here: occupy yourself. If you sit in your misery, you only get more miserable. If you direct your thoughts outward, you will be alright. Stagnation is death. Movement (action) is life.

When I go exploring I leave my car unlocked and my tent exposed. And I have no worries to lose any of it. The only “fear” would be someone tripping and needing something desperately, in which case they can have it.

I keep eyeing my food as I must be hungry, but nothing appeals. I wonder how much weight I will have lost due to this.

It is Monday today and I leave next Monday. This trip has already been more than I could have imagined and I have absolutely no idea what lies in store for me ahead.

I’m trying a different strategy today. I am keeping one side of my tent open for wind and the one closest to the sun closed. Hopefully this works better.

The sun is at it’s hottest (perceivably). Of course its temperature stays near constant all the time. A few more short hours until freedom. For now I am trapped beneath shade.

I don’t think I can sit in here anymore.

I don’t understand my aversion to sex. I am aware I am attractive and yet I continually make no progress getting laid. Why do I have this block? And how do I remove it?

So I needed to use the bathroom and got up from the torrential wind/dust storm. I literally saw a twister/tornado of dust, not unlike the latest Mad Max movie. Upon leaving the bathroom I heard dance music and shouting not far away. I said fuck it and traversed over there. I was immediately greeted with “There you are! Welcome home!” Even if forced, it still felt great.

I opted out of dancing and chose to sit and watch instead. Got a few drinks (even without ID, shh…) and started mingling. First with the DJ. I asked him some questions about his set up and some of his strategies to keep the groove going. Afterwards I made my way over to a chick who had been mutually eyeing. We talked for over a half-hour before making my way back. Her name was Autumn. Perhaps I’ll see her again.

Day One

So I think I have royally fucked up! I didn’t bring any shade structure and now I’m roasting.  I’ve gotten sunscreen in my eye, likely already gotten sunburned and am generally miserable. At least it’s not as bad as Hawaii. But almost. I thought I could just wing it and make it happen, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I don’t really know what I can do about it though. Leaving early is not an option, at least not not one I’m willing to make. We’ll see how the week progresses. Burning Man. Aptly titled. I am the burning man.

So as Darren suggests, here’s some things to make note of for next time:

  1. SHADE!
  2. Cold Beer!
  3. Drugs

So I just took my first nap at Burning Man and it’s still the first day. I slept a few hours in the morning and who knows how long I’ve slept now. Still daytime.

I feel like I made a huge mistake. Thoughts of quitting and returning home fill my mind. And suicide. Absolutely miserable…

Decided to ask the neighbors if I could sit under their shade structure and we ended up chatting for 2 or 3 hours. The shade was amazing, but mostly the friendship was therapeutic. Looks like I’m going to make it through the first day.

Just got some new neighbors who have offered shade support. Thanks guys.

Looks like I was right and this week is going to be very challenging.

Life Is

Pain and suffering is something only living beings can experience.

Think about that again.  ONLY living beings can experience pain.  It often occurs to me that life is overly unfair, painful, tedious, etc. and it’s finally hit me that, duh, only life COULD produce those qualities.  Therefore life itself must be masochistic.

Just get over it and enjoy the burn.

#Addicted

When I started lifting two years ago I couldn’t do shit.  I sucked at everything possible.  Couldn’t squat without a box for support. Could barely do pushups without the use of knees. Weighted PVC pipe for overhead movements.  Barely catching my breath during simple runs. Everything.

But now it’s reached a point where I’m able to strategize and play within the movements, making all the difference.

It’s now my favorite thing to do.  I’m sad when I wake up and there’s no lifting to be done.  It’s a fucking addiction and getting high never felt this good.

 

Words

“I can believe that things are true and I can believe things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen – I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women. I believe that the future sucks and I believe that future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone’s ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state. I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we’ll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of the Worlds. I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind’s destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it’s aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there’s a cat in a box somewhere who’s alive and dead at the same time (although if they don’t ever open the box to feed it it’ll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn’t even know that I’m alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of casual chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn’t done it properly. I believe that anyone claims to know what’s going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, a baby’s right to live, that while all human life is sacred there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you’re alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.”

– Neil Gaiman, American Gods

Ayahuasca

I just experienced the most amazing customer service ever.

I ordered a tent and it never arrived.  I clicked a button that said, “chat.” A few seconds later I was talking to a representative.  In less than 5 minutes I was done speaking with them and a new tent was en route.  And they never once bothered to see if what I claimed was true or not.

That’s fucking customer service.

 

Egyptians

Last night I played my final softball game ending the season on a high note. When we started practicing I was fearful that my abilities would not improve enough in time for the games.  Gratefully they did and I was able to enjoy the games without worrying too much about my inexperience.

It also helps to be put in right field. That was a blessing.

Made contact with the ball most times I was at plate.  Brought in a few RBI’s. I’m happy with my performance all things considered.

Mostly though it was just fun hanging out with friends.  I didn’t sign up so I could play baseball.  I signed up to get out of the house and out of my comfort zone, and in that regard it was a great success.

One Month

Burning Man is one month away and the excitement is beginning to take hold. I just purchased my tent, sleeping bag, etc. and the reality is setting in.

I believe I am going in with the right mindset but who knows what will happen when I get there.  It has dawned on me that I’m treating this like a psychadelic trip (which it may very well lead into).

When you’re about to embark on a visionary journey the mindset you bring with you is as important or perhaps more so than the specific chemical. Set and Setting if you know the lingo.

Usually when the trip is over you come away with a greater understanding of self or perhaps more confidence.  But sometimes you are left thinking about things you’d rather ignore yet ultimately need to be resolved.

I expect Burning Man to behave similarly.